O Lord God

O Lord God

My vitality has dried up inside me

I know not where I go

I look but I do not see

I hear but I do not listen

O Lord God

Where art thou in this desert?

My hopes have been fried

By the furnace of my soul

A raging fire

Release me into Your rivers

Where the deer panteth the waters

Deliver me into spring

Where the lilies dance in Your sight

And where the sparrow sing

In this darkness, I gasp for

the Breath of Life

To strengthen my bones

and add meat to my body

So that I may be whole

The Day We Walked

It was this time when a story began to unfold

A tale of two friends on a journey together

Of love, sacrifice and hope

Despite the thunderstorm and the sunny spring

As they talked by the bridge

And take in the atmosphere

She couldn't help but notice his brown eyes

While he admired her mesmerizing smile

One gaze that froze the perfect polaroid frame

A moment where the hands of the clock froze

Amidst the lapping water and the yellow pollen

Despite the barks of an agitated canine

While they walked along the road

Showered with beautiful flowers

A green-eyed feline watched them

His curiosity grew while she stood away

They couldn't help but to tame the intensity

of their hearts jumping inside them

As they walked back to the bridge

Because time had run out

Like a gentleman, he walked her back to the gates

She smiled quietly watching him at the opposite road

When it was time to part

They smiled and gave their last wave

As he walked back, she thought

of the beautiful frienship they share

That will transcend borders

And one day will bring them together

"Dear beloved, lovely art thou

Like the sun that shines and the stars that sparkle"

As they await the long wait when they

Can finally belong together, forever.

Notification

Too busy with my Tumblr blog to update here.
I kind of like tumblr though I feel that its quite limited cause I can't have any additional widgets.
Or maybe I'm so Jurassic Park that I don't know how to do it.

For those of you who actually read my blog, go to my Tumblr.

http://cessamae-mo.tumblr.com/

Till I blog here again! :)

Blabbers..

I feel better today. Last night was another one of my attacks and in the process, I hurt someone I loved. Its scary how I sometimes let go and allow my emotions to control me.

I'm happy to go back to college cause I miss all my peeps as well as some of my classes. (Intermediate English, Computing Principles). Plus, its been a week since I studied so getting back to college puts me in the momentum to study.

I love GOD, Literature, Music, Arts/Culture, Leadership, as well as Culinary Arts (baking!) so I'm brainstorming on how to expand these interests as well as talents. Thank God for mind maps!

I've been watching Hannah Montana a lot after so long. Its seriously funny and its not childish. Don't know which dingdong said it was. Or maybe I'm still 17 and immature. Anyways, I like watching it. SO WHAT?

To spice things up, I decided to watch High School Musical 3 tonight just for the fun of it. My favourite dance number would have to be "I Want it All". Its like performing arts (another one of my faves..) thats why I love the song and dance rountine.

My writing juices are pumping in! HOORRAAYYY!!!

I'm learning to change my perspective about myself. My sister said I'm literally thrashing myself with such destructive words. I have to change...

I LOVE TODAY! :)

When I Look At You

When I look at you
I hear two birds singing in the sky
A sweet melody of young love
Resting above the autumn shade of the tree branch
Their beaks pressed in a kiss
The breeze dancing through their bliss

When I look at you
I see a purple and orange notebook
With words on pages filled to the tip
A timeless collection of psalms and songs
Of a story told long ago
Retold in time as the years go by

When I look at you
I taste strawberry cupcake
And imagine the pink shade of your lips
The sugary feel of the icing
The scrumptious golden cake
Forming a smile just like yours

When I look at you
I smell the lovely scent of a rose
Of love and innocence
Like your fair skin, I feel the soft petals
Brushing against my cheek
As I imagine the curve of your smile

When I look at you
I feel the rhythm of your heartbeat
Slow at first, then accelerating
As our hearts merge as one
Locked for forever and a day
Bound to the Heart above

Sun Up!

Today I felt much better. I'm realising that I'm growing up too fast and that I should just take a breather and enjoy being a teenager instead of wishing to be a young adult.
Sigh, I wish I had friends my age whom I can hang-out with. Thats another reason why I was desperately wanting to grow up.

It's hard at times to be true to yourself because you know that certain things that you like are flagged off by others as "childish" or "lame". But hey, so what? If I like it, then I like it la! Why measure up to other people's standards?

Plus, I've been having a hard time on believing what the word of God says about me instead of internalizing my own thoughts. Cause my thoughts can be really self-destructing at times (sometimes all the time). I've taken the step to meditate on one scripture a day. (and that reminds me, I've gotta finish memorising Psalm 103:1-5 before we kena from Unc. Nie tomorrow! oopsie...)

During my getaway last week, I drew up a mind map of my abilities and interests and how I can expand them. Ideas started flowing like a waterfall racing down into the river. After that, I felt really relieved and I'm going to apply whatever I wrote.

Feels good to be happy. And fulfilled.

Elmo always makes me happy! :-)

Broken

"Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky..."

The best thing to do when you're sad (besides talking to God), is to just remain silent. Cause when you open your mouth, all that comes out is negativity.

I realised that I've been given a chance to live my preteen years. The years when I wished to be 16 at that time, only to ask myself if I'm happy or not after getting what I wanted. Right now, I'm wishing that I was 22. *slaps face*

I'm pretending to be someone else. I lost my sense of identity.




"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God; for I shall yet praise him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.."
Psalm 42:11

Cynthia!

I found this picture of Cynthia so cute!
btw, this photo ain't mine. I stole it from U Wyno.
(sighs...)

A journey in time

Cruising down memory lane, back when I was 15 and 16. The greatest times of my life!
(gosh, I speak as though I'm 80 already! Maybe I am)
Here were the things I liked:


Prawn Mee was my absolute favourite back then (before I came to Selayang and discovered Pan Mee!). Everytime I'd be craving for it, so much so that my mom asked me if I was pregnant! The best one I've ever tasted was in Penang.

My BESTBESTBEST friends who were with me for three years and then we split in Form Four because we were sent to different classes. L-R: Neermala, Durkeshini, Luveeniya, Me, Sri Vithia.

These were the moments that I wasn't a loner. When I was given a chance to have best friends.

The Cheetah Girls, the only kind of music I listened to. Plus, I read their books. Their vocals were excellent seriously! And their dance moves were awesome. I also loved their BFF spirit, it always left a hope that one day, I'll find my own group of cheetahlicious girls! (sighh...girly dreams...)

This is my favourite song:




AND..... (majortriplequadruple sighhhh...)

I had this huge crush on Lucas Grabeel! He was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing when I slept. Everytime I saw him on TV, my heart danced.

Gosh, now when I think back, I wonder how all this was possible? Crushing heavily on something you don't know. I guess thats why they call it a CRUSH!

(honestly, when I look at him, I still smile. but my heart beats for another... *wink*)

Long walks. I loved walking by the school field alone and think. I had a lot of things going on and watching the green grass and smelling the fresh air was a way for me to let go. Most of my stories came from these walks...



I was addicted to "The Clique" series ( blame it on Tracy!). I kept reading and reading cause i found it so awesome at that time. This is Book One to Book Six. Until now, I still pick it up and read when I'm in the mood for something catty, nonsensical and rich ;-)

JANE AUSTEN. Need I explain more?? ( love you to death...)

Aly and AJ. The other kind of music that I loved. Too bad I couldn't find their albums in Malaysia. I had to download their songs. But I loved their movies and music videos. Once I was highly addicted to "Phil of The Future", a sitcom in Disney Channel that Aly Michalka (right) was acting in (and was having a major crush on Ricky Ullman as well!).

Noticed that none of the above had any elements of God or reading the Bible?

This was my life. Pop culture, glitter, perishable things.

Yet, I didn't regret because I think that the past shapes us for the future.

Now I have a greater hunger for God and not these things. Growing up, my interests have changed. And I'm happy.

Until I learn to long for something unperishable, I will not get what I want.

Broken Soul

Bless the Broken Door - Rascal Flatts


"Lose My Soul" - Toby Mac


Songs that keep me going
:)

FRESH MILK

I think I'm growing up too fast. I expect to be treated as though I'm 2 years older when in actual fact, I will only be 18 next month. I'm going to start afresh and I will change.
Sometimes I forget how to have fun. When the blessing comes, I hesitate.

=D

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending," - Maria Robinson.

Dear God, give me the strength to change the things that I can change and the courage to accept my weaknesses and allow You to work the change in me.

Apple pie

My classic apple pie :)

So the kitchen strikes again.

Baking is an art. Thats all I can say.

Some enjoy it, and there are some who don't.

Baking helps me feel better. Its therapeutic, especially when you cream and fold using your hands and the wooden spoon instead of the machine. Call me old-fashioned, but I bake the old-fashioned way.

At least for once, in this past two weeks of brokenness and distress, I actually feel happy.

:-)

Turning Point

Picking up the pieces
A process of pruning, which will be expected for the coming years (maybe more)
Will be strong and truly believe God's word and not anything else. Even myself!

Carissa Morais will deny herself and take up her cross.
Its not going to be easy. I can expect breakdowns, tears and the lonely wilderness.
In the end, I will emerge strong.

A good work is taking place in me.
Will learn to see the big picture.
And with God's grace and help, to shun the lies of the enemy.

Still under construction.
MAJOR MAJOR CONSTRUCTION.
God is good, all the time.


:D

Guess who?

Guess who decided to drop a surprise in our house again?
Miss Mommy Tiger who gave birth in our house last December, and now she's back with 4 kittens! (2 tigers and 2 blacks).
My mom was not too happy about it seeing that this is the third time our house was used as a gynaecology ward for cats. I wonder why our house is so prone to pregnant cats.

In my case, I was overjoyed with the new arrivals (me being a cat lover and all) though I'm pretty sure that my mom is going to get rid of them sooner or later.



I don't know if you can see properly (thanks to my "high-tech" handphone) but there's four of them altogether, pilled up on top of each other to keep warm. Gosh, I just love cats and kittens!!
The other tiger is squashed underneath the three.

I'll take better pictures later on once I search for my digital camera which is probably lying somewhere around the house, taking a shower or chilling out in my sister's room.

I can't wait to own a fat, orange-and white cat with a long tail one day when I'm on my own!

;-D

What a Friend we have in Jesus

What a friend I've found in You
When you bore my sins
So that I may live forever
And that You have set me free

Everyday I look forward to spending time with You
I want to get to know You more
To learn about You
And let You speak to me

My heart delights in Your word, O Lord
The one and only, the living word
Thank You for setting me free
Thank You for maturing me

You saw my tears, my hurt
And comforted me
You gave me hope to move on
And to find myself in You

I belong to You and no one else
Only You can make me complete
Because You give me real, true life
Oh how I love You, Lord

Thank You, Jesus
For all that You've done for me
Thank You for being faithful
Even when I broke Your heart

I look forward to this journey
Where You and I can walk this road together
A road of maturity and discovery
O what a friend You are to me

I never knew
That I could find a friend so true
Thank You, my dear Friend
For choosing me

In thanksgiving

Lord, where do I go from here?

So now, I'm in college. I'm learning to take responsibility for my life and I'm learning to rely on God and trust Him. I've commited myself to being cleansed and sanctified everyday and set aside time to sit at His feet and hear what God has to teach me on a day to day basis.

I am challenged with a question: Will I die for Christ when the time eventually comes?

Have I really, really given my life to Christ? Do I actually mean it when I meditate on Philippians 3: 8..."and count them as rubbish that I may gain Christ?"

Lots of thoughts to ponder on, so much so that today my mind was on a verge of a breakdown and I was really not in the mood for church. Just before worship, I sat on my seat and told God "I don't care how I feel, I just choose to worship You because You are worthy to be praised..."
Then I was OK.

I need to rearrange my life, my thoughts and what I truly believe in. This phase is a transitional phase and I have to keep focused on God so that I will not lose my footing. Its very hard for me not to fall in emo-ness and negative thinking cause I'm very prone to that.

Maturity is a process. Sometimes some are born with it, then there are others who discover it.
For me, I'm in the process of discovering it.
I feel happy. There are just so many things in life to be thankful for


"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the LORD is good;His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.."
- Psalm 100:4-5, NKJV-

Dear Jane

Dear Jane,

The one reason that compels me to become a mother one day is how children can make me smile despite the negative feelings inside me. Today in church, I had the opportunity to keep Cynthia with me almost the whole time. As she slept in my arms throughout the service and laid her head on my chest, I felt a tinge of motherly love. How you carefully shift your position so that her head is placed properly, how you check from time to time to see if she's comfortable and not having difficulty breathing, how your body aches with the weight of a toddler on you but you just don't care because all you want to see is her satisfied face while she's deep in dreamland. How you immediately rush to her aid when you feel her stir in her sleep and the pressure she exerts on your body because she's not comfortable.

Her heartbeat was so steady as she slept in my arms throughout the service, how I could feel her breathing on me as her tiny body moved up and down on me. I didn't want to let go. When the others came, I had to reluctantly pass her on once she was wide awake and ready to play.

She made me feel better today just by letting me look after her and do her mom a favour.

One day, I want to become a mother. To carry a baby in my arms -that came from me- and raise her/him up together with my husband. In this modern era, so many view motherhood as

"robbing the joys of a woman", but in my opinion, motherhood is the best gift God can give to a woman, despite the numerous times when she has to lay down her life for her children.

Oh how I wait for the day when I have Shoshana in my arms...

18.11.2010, 3.50 pm.

Taken from "Dear Jane and other stories."

Slurring in boredom

Today was a great day and I thank God for it.
Wasn't what I expected -- it was even better!

I have to improve on my piano. My Waltz is squeezing the life out of me, my Rondo is in a bad state cause my fingers are short for the numerous octaves. And oh how I'm detesting the jazz waltz piece! Sighhh...

Cessa, get your gun! Its time to shoot some hardwork into your system! hahahaha...

Life is good. Its such a relief that the "wilderness" period is over. I've not been in a good state for so many months and its been weary because so much of mental energy was being used up. God is great!

I've really got nothing to blog about so I'm just typing away whatever that comes to my mind.

I never really expected myself to be good with children. I always thought children didn't like me. Now I know the major lie that I told myself. It was the experience working with Yayasan that broke that lie. And today was a good babysitting day :-)

I'm rearranging my life. It needs some more cleaning up.

Its been TWO WEEKS since I had pan mee and I'm having withdrawal symptoms. My college buddies are so sick of me drooning about panmeepanmeepanmeepanmee....

I'm in the moood for something sweet but I know my mom is hiding the Cadbury Black Forest chocolate from me cause she knows its my FAVOUUURRIITEE and that I might just finish the entire bar.

I'm so boring. You might as well NOT read my blog now cause I'm just slurring in boredom

:D

Second Chance

Captain Wentworth's letter to Anne Elliot.

"Persuasion" by Jane Austen.

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago.

Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes?

I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature!

You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating.

"I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never."

F.W.

-"Persuasion", Chapter 23-

I think I've memorized the entire letter!

:)

The Ordeal

As much as there's joy and happiness
Sadness still has a place in my heart
There are days when I just want to rebel
"Its so unfair!!", my heart screams.
And all I want to do is just float in a puddle of tears

The happy memories keep me going
My hopes and prayers drive me further
Yet I immediately jam the brakes
When I ask myself
"Why now? Why must this happen??"

For days I've carried unforgiveness and hurt
And a silent but deep anger as well
To the cause of this
In my mind, God tells me,
"Let go, my dear, let go of the poison..."

So I obeyed and decided to let go
O what a release in my spiritual life!
My heart feels lighter
When I see the cause of the issue
I don't feel the stab in my stomach

Dear God, this is so hard.
I'm trying desperately.
I'm on the verge of giving up.
But in my heart, I know this is temporary
That one day, the pretty bluebird will fly back to my window

Right now, life is so exciting!
What with college being so fun and amazing
Yet deep inside, I long for at least a slice of watermelon
To cool down the burning sensation within
A sweet juice to put a smile on my face

In Anne Elliot's shoes I walk
Feeling her worn-out soles
And the rhythm of her dainty steps
Hoping that one day
She will be given a second chance

So I shall wait and wait
For the knock on my front door
For two pens to bring the book back to life
With a smile from above
And a sigh of approval.

Radiance of Colour

Today there is this unexplainable joy in my heart. Suddenly, the atmosphere is full of colour and such a bright radiance. There's so many things to be thankful for, don't you think?

I'm really loving college life. Its awesome. Everyday is an adventure, everyday I'm making new friends. Learning something new and observing people (my favourite past time, as well =D )

My journey with the Lord is getting deeper. Everyday I look forward to quiet time. When I reach home, all I want to do is have a nice bath and sit at His feet, expecting to learn something new from Him. I talk to Him everyday. Its so funny how I used to think that prayer was such a bore and reading the Word was much better, but now I love BOTH prayer and the Word.

I'm learning to see things in a new light. I'm learning to accept myself. The scripture that striked me most about accepting myself as a unique creature was Psalm 33:15(NKJV) , "He fashions their hearts individually..."
Its a long journey and I'm prepared for the times when I'll feel low about myself and will need God to intervene. The battle is the Lord's.


For the deep loss that I'm still mourning, God will heal. In His time, it will be beautiful. So beautiful that every moment will count and that He will be the building block of this new chapter in life that will eventually come when the time is right and when both hearts are ready to receive from Him.


Life is great. Though we fall, God is there to pick us up and guess what? We move on with Him, a journey where no man (or woman) can ever fullfil.

Where art thou, my lover?

Finally! A poem after so long =D

Where art thou, my lover?
I searched for thee but to no avail
O how deep this longing be
A spark in a puddle of fire
Thy brown eyes gleaming
In my memory's eye
Thy crimson lips forming a smile
Bursting forth from my heart
O how I long for thy loving embrace
Thy arms around me
Two hearts beating rapidly

Where art thou, my lover?
Standing afar off
Watching me with an immaculate smile
Where art thou, my dreamer?
O how I love thee
To the innermost corners of my heart
Where art thou, my lover?


11/4/2010, 8.15 pm

Hit Pause!

I want to be a better person.
I want to learn more about myself.
I want to discover my interests.
I want to find my identity in Christ.
I want to be passionate for a cause.
I want to be useful.
I want to learn.
I want to hunger for something more than life itself.
I want to be aware of what's happening in the world around me.
I want to comtribute and invest in others.

Sometimes I think I'm so useless. I don't have anything to be interested about. All I care about are petty little things, perishable things.


Is there any knowledge in my head? I constantly ask myself. Am I resourceful, useful?
Am I living my life in a way that is pleasing God? Am I a hypocrite? Saying one thing and doing something else?
Am I worth spending time with?
Am I giving to others? Do I truly, truly mean it when I say "I love you, Lord"?


"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting"
- Psalm 139: 23-24 -

Under Construction

Its been a hard day's night.
Especially today when I had to take public transport back home and ended up being squashed in the KTM during rush hour. Reached home at 6.40 pm.
If it wasn't for the Matr!cs meeting, I would have made it home earlier (did I mention that I got accepted into student council's "HMC LEADS" ???)

Sigh, last night's prayer turned into travail. After 30 mins, I was so exhausted. My eyes were swollen and my pillow and mattress was soaked wet. Its a good thing I didn't wake my parents with all the deep groanings and tearful prayers. I had a slight sore throat after that.

Besides having my time with the Lord, 60s music has been keeping me company. Although I'm more of a fan of "The Beach Boys", I've been expanding my range to "The Kinks" and of course, "The Beatles" as well. If I had a CD player, I would definately pop in my "Simon and Garfunkel" CD that was given to me for my birthday last year ;-)

Just by watching old episodes of American Dreams Season 1, I've learnt some dance moves. They're so easy to learn cause all you do is just observe and then practice it during your free time. The songs that I love to dance to is "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles and "All Day and All of The Night" by The Kinks.

I'm learning to be happy with myself. Though I'm quite a loner, I'm trying my best to be more outgoing and college has been teaching me that. I'm quite happy being a silent observer, though I do try to make an effort to talk (cause when I start, I can't stop). Sigh, life is so quiet now....

I can't wait for the weekends, cause even if I can't talk to you, at least I can still see you and smile at you. Although our talking time might be limited, but just to manage a few sentences is an achievement. Its better a few words than none at all...

Cessa is learning to be strong through tough times. Cessa is currently meditating on:

"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope"
Romans 5:3-4 (NKJV)

There is no word or book as true as God's word. Don't you agree?

By the time this "tribulation" is over, I will be a better person, more matured and have a good character.

So, now I am "UNDER CONSTRUCTION".

sigh, i miss you so much =)

Swinging 60s

My love for the 60s is returning! Although "American Dreams" has finished airing on TV, the passion burns and lives on :)



My current favourite :)
( after "Help me, Rhonda" of course )





My favourite episode on American Dreams where THE KINKS WERE FEATURED!!!!!!! *screams and jumps up for joy!* of course its not them la, its the song that rocks
"Girl, I wanna be with you...."

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THIS EPISODE!!!! The Beatles were featured.
HOW COULD I?????
Sigh.



Long live the 60s! *high five to whoever fond of the 60s*

Hope Rising above the Shattered

Beneath the silence, my heart groans
Deep down, it kills
A smile on the surface but
brokenness lies below
So many questions,
I need an answer.

I know you hurt as much as me
Its ok dear, God is here for us
Everyday brings us one step closer
Everyday our friendship begins to heal
One day it'll all be better
One day the sun will smile

For now, I'll keep hoping
Remembering our beautiful memories
Dreaming about what lies ahead for us
Not forgetting to enjoy the present as well
Yearning for you to smile
Anticipating a word from you

Our book has buried itself in the grave
I will never open it until the time is right
For now, our psalms lay dormant
Our poems and prayers lay silent
Until that day
When our pens bring it back to life

Everyday I fall deeply in love
To the heart that drew itself to me
To the character that first captured me
Though you're far away
It'll never die
Though silent, it'll keep burning


Fret not my beloved friend
It'll be all over
Before you know it
We'll be back into endless chatter
Singing our favourite songs
And fighting in the kitchen

Though long is the time we must wait
At least the silence disappears
After a stormy night
The sun never cease to rise
Whatever comes our way
We'll see it through together

Morning Reflections...

During my quiet time, I was pondering about issues close to my heart. What we feel mostly about, we should be silent until we first talk them through with God. He gives the release and the peace that rules our hearts, and perhaps some kind of solution.

Things I can learn during this time of silence and distance:

• Being a virtuous woman - Proverbs 31:10-31
• Depending fully on God and relying on His strength - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
• Self-acceptance - Psalm 139:14-15
• Submission to God as well as others above me - Ephesians 6:1-3, 1 Tim 2:11
• Silent humility - Philippians 2:1-8, Proverbs 29:23
• Patient waiting - 1 Corinthians 13:4a, Galatians 5:22
• Trusting and waiting on the Lord - Proverbs 3:5-6
• Learning from other matured Christian women about submission and managing a household - Titus 2:4-5
• Focusing on God's will for my life - Colossians 3:2, 1 Corinthians 7:17, 20
• Being a better friend to others - 1 John 3:16
• Loving my neighbour as myself - John 13:34-35.

In June, its going to be 3 and a half years left,

Everyday brings us one step closer to each other,

Just wait on the Lord.

Grieving souls

the pain hurts...
the silence kills...
i miss you so much...
you're just one click away and i can't talk to you...
:'(

i'm so sick trying not to show emotion...
pieces of my heart is tearing bit by bit...

thank you, God that You're always here...
thank you, God that You're watching over him...

Where would I be without You, Lord?

.....................God only knows what I'll be without you.

Rock bottom

Do you know what's the worst part of being 18 years old?
The constant battle between what's right and wrong. The constant battle of choosing to be immature or to be mature. The constant battle of battling with yourself.

Moments like this, I wish that I could bang my head against the wall till my skull cracks open and blood squirts out in a million directions. And let my body drag down to the ground and just rot. (i apologize for my gruesome description, i'm just too imaginative)


Then just before I think of doing such things, I remember that I have someone to hand in my burdens to. I have someone who has already paid the price. A price too high that no human can pay. I have a reason to live. I have a love that is eternal. So deep and true that He layed down His life for me. Do I deserve such love?

The answer is : Yes, I deserve this love.
Why? Because God loves me as much as He loves you. No matter how much you try to reason with yourself, the bottom line is that GOD LOVES YOU.

"There is no greater love than Yours,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if I search all the world,
I will never find a love like Yours..."
- "I Just Want You" , Planetshakers.


I've got lots to learn. I'm in the crossroads between what's right and wrong and what's mature and immature. The temptation to cross over to the dark side is great. The thought of doing my own things, going my own way, doing what I want is so great.
Yet the price He paid so that I could live is much greater. So much greater than my thoughts and emotions. So much greater than who I think I am.

Addison Leitch said, "When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die".
I know who that somebody is.
That somebody is me.

The best thing to do in crossroads? Surrender it all to God.

"Where would we (I) be without You, Jesus?
Where would we (I) be without You, Lord?"
- "Jesus Reigns", Planetshakers.


I MISS YOU SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS

In God's Time

It was 1.00 am in the cold night,
I've waited for an hour,
Pacing about anxiously,
Trapped in a whirpool of thoughts.
Beneath the wooden door,
I heard a few sniffles and more chatter.

Tired of pacing, I leaned against the wall
Opposite to where you were,
Wondering if you were alright,
Relieved that you could finally open up,
Glad that you got a chance when it seemed like you couldn't.

1.16 am,
You emerged out of the door,
Together with the pastor's smile,
You looked at me with your tear-strained eyes,
I sighed in relief.
You were okay.

You walked over to me with a smile,
And leaned next to me,
Whispering about the events behind closed doors,
I would have hugged you if no one was there,
Yet in my heart, I was so happy for you.

So we decided to have cereal,
I smiled brightly as I made it for you,
Thinking that I'd be replaying this scene one day
In a different setting, somewhere in the future.
You watched me with a smile,
For you also had that thought in your mind.

Once we settled in our seats,
We talked.
Gazing into your beautiful brown eyes,
I smiled as I listened to you.
My hands shivered in the cold, and immediately,
You cupped my hands into yours as I held the warm mug of cereal.

We recounted precious memories,
and enthusiastically talked about the future.
We have a long wait. A long, long wait.
Yet everyday brings us closer
To the gift that we will one day open.

Tenderly, I pushed your hair away from your eyes
And ran the back of my hand across your face,
Tracing your slight moustache with my finger,
Watching you as you sipped the cereal carefully
After first, feeding it to me.

For a moment or two,
Our gaze locked.
My heart turned over as I contemplated
Who you are as a person,
Your character that drew me to you.


We clasped our hands, out of love
and away from the cold
What a beautiful night in the hills!
As the stars danced beneath the clouds
As the moon slept with a smile.

1.50 am,
The pastor's wife walked in,
Our hearts froze,
It was time to go,
She smiled at us, her kind eyes watching us,
As we finished the last bit and stood up to leave.


After we washed up,
We looked at each other to say good night,
As she watched us, still with a smile,
Waiting for us to leave,
Although you playfully walked over to me,
She held you back, still with her smile,
Eventually, you blew a kiss to me from across your room,
I smiled back at you, my stomach in backflips,
As she rolled her eyes and finally made us go into our respective rooms.

What a memorable night it was,
Just you and me,
And the cold hills of the morning,
A memory that will never fade
One that would last a lifetime,
Where no words could comprehend,
The night when we got a glimpse of the future.


And so the pastor's wife told me the next day,
"Last night was fun, wasn't it?
Well, more of it will come in the future"
She smiled and didn't hesitate to add,
"In God's Time".

Heads up!

Life has really been great.
Today I had an awesome day at college, especially in my IT class. We were assigned in groups to present our views on the question given to us. Our group was:

How does computer competencies and knowledge help us get ahead in today's market?


We had a good, laugh-out-loud presentation. Then after that, my friends and I went to play pool. Wow, Alwin and Kok How were just awesome! Alwin was teaching me how to hold the stick properly and Kok How was briefing me on strength and accuracy. The rest who joined us was Peter (also known as Leon), Sherri, Michael and Diana.

Everyday is a discovery. I made new friends. Amy, Damien Han, Jessica are some of them also.
Too bad their gonna reshuffle us AGAIN!

Oh well, at least Alwin, Sherri and I share the same Intermediate English class.

College life is getting more and more interesting.

License to Bake

Baking has been one of my favourites since I was a kid. Years ago, whenever my mom went to the bakery to buy some buns for breakfast, the first place I'll go to is the kitchen where magnificent cakes were being baked. Of course they didn't let me in the kitchen, (DUH!) but I watched the way they worked their magic on the icing, the layers, the creaming behind the huge glass window. AWESOME!


So, for the Pan Mee Fella's March babies celebration, I decided to try Michael Smith's double chocolate chip cookie recipe and this is how it turned out.

The cookies are ready to be put into the oven. I love folding it in and finally adding the chocolate chip cookies. The ones sprinkled all around the dough are the extras that I had to force in so that every bite of my cookies would have chocolate chips in it. I'm a big fan of chocolate chips...and the smell of vanilla essence. (just that the taste of it is horrible!)

The tray has finally been greased and the cookies set. I had two trays and eight batches for each tray, so that amounts to a whole lot of cookies. I used the 'Famous Amos' technique to assemble the cookies (mind you, I've watched them do that, so I know). because its way easier than using two spoons which is quite tedious. Notice that every cookies has chocolate chips stuffed in it?

Done! This was my second batch. The first batch came out a little burnt so I had to put it into another container. Honestly, I kept eating two cookies from every batch (and hoping that it won't go straight to my hips).

I enjoyed it and others enjoyed it as well. I don't want to sound conceited but I had good reports about it from Ashwyn, Josiah, Xin En, Sheralyn and U Shen, so that kept me smiling the whole day! HEHE.

I hope to expand my skill and venture into cakes and pies, as well as buns and tarts. Well, little by little, I'll get there. Anyway, I'll keep posting my creations onto my FB and if I'm not lazy, the blog.


My inspirations: Anna Olson and Michael Smith.

:-)

TIME

I discovered that TIME is a good teacher. TIME is not just there to heal, but to train also.
It trains us to wait, especially waiting on God.

Whats the point of instant gratification? After a while, you don't appreciate it anymore. Its value loses day by day, bit by bit.
But if you waited and waited for it and finally you got it, don't you think you'll treasure it and cherish it so much more?

I think thats what God is trying to tell me by all this. Cause I seem to be getting slow answers.

He is telling me to wait for my maturity (which will come bit by bit), independence, driver's license, the courtship that I long for, being able to see the world in a new light, as well as friends.

Its such a relief to just write out all these things instead of holding them in and pressing it down. Thank God for the ability to write out my feelings and thoughts into poetry and stories.

TIME is all we need.

Thoughts afar...

Life is seriously getting lonelier and lonelier...
I really desire to get out of this area and into a place where I don't know anyone. Just to start all over and forget the past.

Thats how I'm feeling right now.

But deep inside, I have another feeling. Maybe I'm learning something from all this. That life doesn't always have to be merry. Sometimes you have to go through the wilderness to get to the promise land. Maybe right now, this is my wilderness. And its so important that while you are in the wilderness, you are in close contact with God because seriously, the temptation to quit is really great.

Three months into the year 2010. How time flies! This year is a year of hard lessons, as how I see it. In our Bible class (the previous CLDP 301), there's this statement on the last chapter of our notes: God never wastes a hurt!
I guess its true because most of life's lessons are learnt when you're going through challenges. When life is smooth sailing, I'm pretty sure there are a few lessons to learn, but the ones that make the impact are the ones that you go through during the tough times. The difficult times when all you want to do is quit.

But for me, I still persevere because I have a reason to live because the life that I now live is not my own. It belongs to someone far greater than what we can comprehend.

From what I see, as the year progresses, the challenges are going to be greater. Tougher and harder to the point where you must surrender all to the Lord. Our dependence on Him gives us the strength to move on when deep inside, all you want to do is give up.

So what about loneliness? How do I go about it?
Well, the only answer that comes to my mind right now is two simple words.
GIVE THANKS.
Just two words that can make a whole lot of difference to what we think and how we feel.

A gift in His time

"My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Psalm 73:26

I don't care what my heart wants to feel, I choose to obey You.
I don't care what my lazy being is telling me, I still choose to follow You.

Its not easy, its not hard. Its somewhere in between. This long road that I walk along, I know that You're right beside me. Sometimes I can't see Your footprints, but inside I know You're still there.
Talking to me, laughing with me and sometimes teaching me a hard, hard lesson.

Life is a journey of endless possibilities. You know the number one desire that I long for. Something I cannot have at this moment. Something I have to wait on You and keep trusting.
Something that brings a smile to my face and warmth to my heart but at the same time, a painful stab on the stomach because of hurt, separation and deep longing.


In all I do, I honour You. Forgive me, Lord for my disobedience.
But thank You, Lord for this precious gift that You've given me.

A gift that I can only unwrap in Your time. A beautiful gift sitting at the shelf, waiting for time to reveal its beauty. Thank you for this person.


"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living" - Jim Elliot. (God bless his soul)

I'm all set. Here I am, Lord.
I'm all yours.

Beyond the Horizon

There is more to life than what we think is life. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of being complacent. Letting time pass without thinking, just going through the motions and forgetting that in everything we do, we glorify someone greater than us. Greater than this whole universe.

Today, I had to stop and think.

"What am I doing here?"

"Am I going through life without knowing what life is really about?"

As I sat and waited for the answers, I looked outside my window and watched the clouds gliding sleepily across the sky and then shifted my gaze back to my Bible, which was smiling back at me with words of such profound wisdom. And then, slowly, it came.

For me, life is about enjoying a gift that no mortal being can bestow us. Life is a series of events in which we aspire to glorify God in everything that we do or say. Life is about growing, changing and challenging ourselves to reach the full potential that God has placed in our lives. Life is about constant thankfulness to Our Father in Heaven, not wishing that we were like somebody else but enjoying who you are as a person because God did not make a mistake in creating us. We are here for a reason, unique and different as we are.

So as I go through my searching, I ask myself.

"What am I here for?".

Well, this is going to be a question in which I will have to wait for a long period of time before an answer comes from God. But as I visualize it, I see a long road ahead of me. Full of crossroads, petrol stations as well as a destination. As I thought further, I realised that the "crossroads" are life's decisions. Choices that affect us in one way or another. Choices that can either make us or break us. With God's guidance and timing, these choices can sometimes bring us closer to "heaven", so to speak - if we make the right choice.

Then, the petrol stations. For me, it probably symbolizes the fuel from God, that comes from His Word and His love, as well as from His grace and strength to fill and energize us before we find ourselves running on empty. No car, without more than enough fuel can race to its fullest speed and like every other car, sometimes you have to take a while and slow down. And at times, jam the breaks before you crash into your doom.

The destination, is heaven. Or something that the Lord will reveal to me in His time. This place, where birds in the air sing like there's no tomorrow, where rivers of water flow so swifly, sparkling fountains of life. This place called "here" where you truly know God wants you to be, where you feel His peace.

Until I reach this place, there will be the crossroads and the traffic lights. And sometimes the sign boards that guide us to our destination. As well as the police (our spiritual leaders) to keep us on track and at times, to punish us when we need it. Thank God that His grace is sufficient and that His strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Looking back, I can say that there were mistakes I've made in the past. Instances where I've grieved the Holy Spirit with my foolish words, or actions that I've done without thinking. Its time I change my perspective but at the same time, my life has to reflect it as well. Easier said than done, right?

But I'll do it. "I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13)

One saturday during YF, we had a guest speaker, Yoshua Chua who took some time with us and tought about the Parable of the Talents. (Matt 25:14-30). As much as it was exciting and very engaging, he said this very important and very profound statement,

"Who you are is God's gift to us, what we become is our gift back to God".

Wow.

With God's grace, we can reach our potential and be the man (or woman) we were made to be. (Chris Tomlin's "The Way I Was Made" is an inspiration).

Change begins with me. I have to change first if I want to see changes around me.

Impossible? I thought about that at first. But hey, nothing is impossible with God! :)

A New Chapter

So I'm now a college student. Exciting in a way but confusing in another way.
College is so liberated. Seriously.
But at the same time, it feels like the "American-high-school-drama". (if you know what I mean)
That probably makes me the "in between". (the clan in between the 'trendsetters' and the 'trendfollowers')
A term I learned from Meg Cabot's 'Teen Idol' long time ago when I was 15. ( a book that I've read eight times. EIGHT TIMES!)

Finite Maths slightly harder than Add Maths. Even the name itself sounds so hard! (FINITE?? :-S)
Ouch.
and textbook cost RM 75!!!!!!!!!
HELP is quite big. And guess what? I lost my water bottle!


Its really going to take a lot of getting used to.
But I'll pull through.
I'm quite a social mis-fit in college, seeing that everybody is so "in" and I'm quite "out". I always have a book with me and I usually walk around aimlessly (so much so that it created some attention). Everybody looks so cool.

Thank God I don't need to be like everybody!
I won't be caught dead in jeans and my plaid shirt and other t-shirts.

I can't wait to join the Student Council (which is divided into 4 parts), so I decided to join the Publications Sphere (something like editorial board) and be a Matrix Newsletter writer for HMC Leads! I hope and pray that I'll be in. And of course, I'll be joining the CF and maybe Toastmasters? hehehe.

So this is how its going to be for a whole year until April 2011.
Time to grow up, Cessa.
Its a dog's world







God is dealing with my heart, what with this emptiness I feel.. I just want things to go back to normal. God, please help me overcome this emptiness I feel. *tears shed*

End

its ok, cessa.
things will get better.
now its just pulling through.
being strong.
and relying on Him.
this hurt will go away.
this is the sacrifice you have to make.
it'll be all worth it in the end.




... I just don't want to lose my best friend!

F.R.E.E.

Just came back from encounter camp. What an awesome experience!
Besides the teachings and the renunciation, we all had fun as well.
LONG LIVE THE PAN MEE GANG!!

I'm set free. I have finally let go of past wounds and hurts as well as a generational curse that I found out while I was being delivered. Aunty Fur said that mine was quite unusual because I was breathing heavily in and out (like a woman in labour! haha) and let out a few loud cries when the others left the seminar room.
Aunty Fur said it was "beautiful and dignified".


Wow. I didn't know that I have a generational curse because while it was being broken, I breathed heavily more and more and more. I thought it affected my mom, not me.
Anyway, thank God it was all broken!

Besides that, I had loads of fun with my "siblings". We played a confused game of 'sardines' as well as taking pictures and admiring the beautiful sceneries. SIGH... what fun!
Plus, I had some very nice moments that made its mark in my heart. FOREVER. (wink)

Now, I have to keep at it. Keep cleansing and being filled everyday.
What a great camp! It was so great (and scary) to see so many people being set free of bondages. It was a good experience to be exposed to these things as well as to be aware that there are unseen beings around us.

Thank you, Lord for setting me free!!

Random : U Wyn0 the papparazi called me Carissano.

Mops and brooms

Encounter camp tomorrow!

Areas in my life that I need to work on:

• Not complaining
• Being GENUINELY happy for others
• Expanding my circle of friends instead of being with the same people
• Trusting God instead of humans
• Self love, self acceptance, etc.
• Not taking things personally
• PRIDE
• Increasing the strength of my heart
• Accept the fact that I'm different. Not weird. Just DIFFERENT.
• Lazyness and cutting corners
• Mild self-pity and being lenient
• Confidence in God.

"'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit',

says the Lord of hosts"

- Zechariah 4:6

The process will take time. Its a "weaning process", remember?

The bookworm strikes again!

Again, I'm too busy reading to tear my face away from the pages and onto the laptop screen. Its such a joy to be an avid reader, a bookworm, a literature junkie and a nerd all in one. Besides being engrossed in your imagination, you learn different writing styles and have the ability to comprehend the beauty of language!

I wished I read the book first and then watched the movie. (Sigh...didn't know this book actually existed!) Two sisters, Anne and Mary Boleyn, both competing for the love of a king besides being caught in the pawn of their family's plots. In my opinion, Henry VIII is such a flop! ( I prefer his brother, Arthur) There's just so much of addictive drama between the Boleyns.
Still, I'm appreciating the 16th century setting and the way Gregory tells her story.

This book is incredible! Its so awesome to go into the mind of a man who has Savant Syndrome, an extremely rare form of Asperger's that enables him such intelligence. He sees numbers as shapes and colours. If you ask him to divide 13 by 97, he can give you an answer up to 100 decimal places almost instantly! Wow. Plus, its written in easy language so its simple to read and every page is a discovery!

If only he wasn't gay.

I got this at the bookstore today after negotiating with my mind if I should get "The Time Traveller's Wife" instead (except that the picture here is not the exact cover of the book that I bought. My book cover is way nicer! haha). After discussing a little bit with Josiah, I decided to get this since I was quite inclined to this story rather than the former. I haven't started reading it yet, though, but something tells me this will be a good read.

:-)

Yay!!! I can finally fill up my time the next 2 weeks before I'm off to college!

btw, I'm starting college on the 22nd. YIPPEEE...

........and I can't wait for encounter camp next week!

My Independence Day speech

I was cleaning out my shelf and found my speech, the one I had to present in front of the school in conjunction with National Day last year. So I decided to post it up.

Good morning. Allow me to quote John F. Kennedy, the 33rd president of the United States during his inagural address on January 20th 1961, "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world; ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man".

How many of us ask ourselves this question? What can we, as citizens of Malaysia do for our beloved country? In my opinion, we don't have to all be politicians to make a difference for our nation. Simple acts of kindness like helping a tourist by giving him directions to his destination or even offering your seat to an elderly person in the bus potrays the the simple love we have for our country. We should all be thankful to God that we love in a peaceful nation where we can go about our daily routine without worrying if a bomb fires in the air or get shot for no reason.

Besides that, the other way to show our love towards our country is to love one another. Be it Malay, Chinese, Indian or whatever heritage you come from. Being considerate and respecting one another's beliefs will create a multi racial society that understands one another, therefore building a network of patriotic citizens. Learning and experiencing different cultures also creates a platform for us to appreciate our country that is rich in heritage and traditions. Don't you think that its so interesting that we live in a country full of colours and culture from long ago?

To love our country is to first love our neighbour. And you may ask yourself, "Who is my neighbour?". Well, look around you and you'll see the essence of what Malaysia is to us.

Thank You.

Selamat Hari Merdeka.

27th August 2009

:)

Blondie - as Casey calls it

"When you meet somebody whom you care about, its just hard to walk away" - Sarah Walker, "CHUCK".

Very true, Sarah.
Very true

:-)

Tick tock, goes the clock.

People have been asking me why I'm so quiet. To answer that question, I actually talk a lot. Seriously, I do. Just that it all happens inside.
-wait, did I answer the question? oh well-

My mind has been really talkative lately and its quite tiresome in fact, but at the same time, exciting because no one actually knows what goes on in my head. And quite depressing some times when a volcanoe errupts in my brain. (if you know what I mean)

Sigh, its sad to see what the world is becoming today, in terms of natural disasters. Ever since the Tsunami hit back in 26th December 2004, have you realised that more and more earthquakes, hurricanes, and the like have been happening quite often?
Now with the earthquake in Chile. I've been quite up to date with it since I'm one of TIMES ONLINE's frequent readers.
Its time that I know more about whats happening around the world instead of being stuck in my cave of "don't-know-don't-care" mindset.

And since my dad doesn't buy newspapers (he's on a boycott since he says its government propaganda and decided to stop giving them business) so I decided to be more ''tech-savvy" and read news online.


One comment I can say about all this is that the Lord is coming soon.
Are we ready?
Will I be here when rapture hits?

Or will I still be so concerned and wrapped up in my own dilemmas? Frivolous dilemmas, for that matter?


Looks like I have some serious thinking to do.
Time is running out.

She Walks in Beauty

I am currently learning this poem on my own:

She walks in Beauty

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.


And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

George Gordon Byron, Lord Byron. 1788–1824


Such beautiful language!

What I found in Jalan Kenangan...

Its funny how time can change a person's looks.
Just watch and see...

This is me at age 12, year 2004 I think, with Valerie. Truth is, I'm still keeping that indian costume for remembrance. No wonder I had self-image problems back then!

age 15. The big nerd showing off her PMR cert. Haha, look so "rounded"

Current picture, taken yesterday at Palace of the Golden Horses. Will be turning 18 in May. Honestly, I don't see much difference.

I'm not the type that posts pictures of myself on the net (or anywhere else for that matter!), but this was one post that I had to post. It was a trip down "Jalan Kenangan" and to always remind myself and everybody else that you will eventually grow into the person you want to be. All it needs its just TIME.

I'm so glad that I don't look the same way I did back then!

:-)

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala...

YAY! I'm starting college in April.
Finally.

But I still can't drive.

And I still don't know when my SPM results are coming out.

:-/

Miss watermelon and turtle and my fellow flamingo penguin :-P

"God only knows what I'd be without you..." - The Beach Boys.
Yay, thanks to Josiah, I have Pet Sounds and Endless Summer now! Yipppeee.....

"So what good would living do me?"
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.


"Help me Rhonda, help help me Rhonda..."

Dear Jane

Dear Jane,

I feel new. I feel alive. The Lord has finally blessed me so much, so abundantly and I can finally receive His blessings without thinking that I'm unworthy or condemned. Yesterday I chose to see things differently. The past week has been a painful week for me, I'm sure you know. I've been praying to see things in a new light , but nothing. Finally the breakthrough came last night.

I now know what it means to wait on the Lord. During your time of adversity, you sit and wait and battle within yourself, "How long is this going to take?". Its such a slow and tedious process, so much so that you just want to give up. Then after a period of pruning and "cucuk-ing" while you continue to rely on His Word and pray fervently, the Lord jumps in, fights the battle for you, wins and then you are set free. I have come to realise that its the waiting part that shapes you up, not so much the rescuing.

God came through for me. My battle of low self esteem, always thinking that I don't deserve good things (like LOVE), and feeling left out has been fought, the battle of bashing myself up so badly, and self-righteousness. That is why the Lifehouse "Everything" skit is so important to me. You have to call on Him, do your utmost best to reach out to Him during your pain, because when He rescues you, its heroic. Seriously.

Moreover, about the independence issue, my parents said that I'm not ready. You know what? OK la. I'll give them time to adjust and slowly release me and give them time to see that I am matured, capable, responsible and a reliable girl. I will enjoy the bumpy road to liberty because I'm fully aware that it won't be a nice one.

Thank God for a good friend who has had the patience to bear with me, through ups and downs and took time to listen and advise me. You're such a great person, and I highly respect you and am so much inspired by you. Thank you for being there, it made me feel better. Just learn to take a compliment, ok? :-)

Today, the Lord remembered me. The same way He remembered Leah and Hannah all those years ago, He also remembered me and my cries.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

taken from "Dear Jane and Other Stories" by Carissa Morais

23/2/2010, 8pm

Access Denied

The Lord will remember me.
He will remember my plea.
The same way He remembered Hannah and Leah, He will also remember me.
I'll just have to wait.
And wait.
And wait.

So I spoke to my parents about it. They said no.
I'm not responsible enough for independence.
OK.
So I'll just accept the fact that I'm missing out on all the fun, fellowship and that I'm really left out.
Well, since this issue is beyond my control, I'll just work on the things I can control.
Which is the way I'll respond to whats happening.

I will not show emotion. I cannot show emotion.
I must be strong. And endure and wait.
I must believe that the Lord will remember me and grant me what I'm hoping for.
I will take this as training.
I will CHOOSE to see things from a different perspective.


No (wo)man is an island.
YEAH RIGHT!


Gosh, I don't want to turn 18. I'm too immature for that age.

Out of Forgiveness

Clouded perspective, I'm trying to change it.
My wounded heart, I'm just waiting on the Lord to bring the pieces back to together.
Will not fall into the pit of self-pity, but will count my blessings.

Will try my best not to show emotion.
Self-control.
Feeler, will do my utmost best not to let my emotions rule.

Trying to smile, but underneath it hurts.
Want to fly, but my wings are tied down to the nest.
Lonely, does anybody care?

"To be known is to be loved,
to be loved is to be known"

Hold on, wait on Him.
Everything will be OK.
My sighing is not hidden from You, O Lord.


Hold me close, I don't want to let You go.
Where would I be without You, Lord?
Who am I?

A prayer to God

Dear God,

I don't know how I feel right now. Please comfort me as I cry in silence. My heart wails deeply, I need to trust in You. Lord, help me realise that time is a good trainer. Help me to give myself space to grow into the person I want to be, the permission to fail and a pat on my back when I succeed.

Most importantly, Lord, help me to forgive myself. Help me not to set unrealistic expectations on myself and I acknowledge that I'm a sinner. Dear God, help me to see You as a merciful father, that I don't have to bash myself up so bad whenever I mess up. The same way that You have forgiven me, help me to also forgive myself.

O God, speak to my parents' hearts and let then grant me independence. I realise Lord, that "with great power comes great responsibility". So show me the things I can do to gain my parents' approval. I ask, O God, that You'll grant me wisdom to approach this subject to my parents.

Dear God, minister to my broken heart and comfort me. Help me internalize Your word and not my thoughts. Open my mind, that I will change my perspective, to be more positive and cheerful.

Lastly, O Lord, help me to be thankful and to count my blessings. Grant me the maturity to receive and acknowledge Your blessings. For whatever happens, I choose to praise You. You are Sovereign.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord had taken away;

Blessed be the name of the Lord"

- Job 1:21

AMEN.

:-)

....then the rose

I will learn to:

• Wait on the Lord although it hurts
• Give myself room to grow into the person I want to be
• Give myself the permission to fail and a pat on my back when I succeed
• Forgive myself.
• Recognize God's Sovereignity and learn to view Him as a merciful Father. Psalm 103
• Accept the fact that it will take time to feel accepted in church although its been one and a half years
• Be a better friend to people
• Enjoy my own company
• Not to be too hard on myself
• Internalize God's word and not my own thoughts.
• Love who I was made to be.
• Silent humility
• Find my self-worth in God's word
• Earn independence. "With great power comes great responsibility" - Spiderman.
• Be positive
• Change my perspective about things
• Trust in the Lord
• SMILE

The Street named “Jalan Kenangan”
by Carissa Morais

There is a street somewhere in town
Not many of us have walked passed it
Or have seen its sun-kissed greenery
Or the colourful candy stripes splashed around the city
And the photographs that cover the walls
If you close your eyes
You might be able to see an old, run-down signboard
“Jalan Kenangan”
As vividly as I can
But if you can't
I shall tell of my discoveries and adventures
Of this magical place that I saw

16 years ago,
I was a child of two years old,
Crying uncontrollably as you poured
Water and baby bath on me
Wailing my heart out
As you gave me a fresh bath
Placing my tiny body delicately on your legs
Enduring my ear-shattering screams
Scrubbing me in silence

12 years ago,
Giant Supermarket was our frequent destination
Oh what a joy it was for me
When you happily declared that I could have
Anything I desired, whatever I wanted
From the pink teddy bear to the packet of
chocolate treats sitting lonely at the last rack
Walking hand-in-hand with me
As you led me through the green and yellow doors

10 years ago,
The fat kid that I was becoming
Spare tyres and fat bulges bursting out of my T-shirt
Troubled you in a way
Because you withheld my favourite sugary goodies away from me
But you still granted me a candy bar
Just to see a smile on my face and a tear vanish
The foolish kid that I was
Ate it up greedily
Not even offering you a bite

6 years ago,
When my eyes kept squinting to see the images around me
Not hesitating, you took me to the hospital
Getting up early in the morning for my appointments
Because of that, I now see things clearly
My first pair of glasses was your labour
of concern and love
So that I could be comfortable and
Enjoy the clarity around me that I almost missed out

3 years ago,
We had fun in the kitchen
Just you and me and a ball of dough
Trying to roll out the perfect capati
The way you did so skillfully
After a few blunders and mess-ups
I finally got it right
Then came the frying pan
Oh what a nightmare!
Still you let me make mistakes
Because you knew that I'd learn my lesson

1 year ago,
Was an important year for me
The finale of a long and exciting chapter in my life
Amidst the preparations for the exam
And the pressure weighing on my shoulders to succeed
You still called me on the phone and
encouraged me, giving me your blessings
and having confidence in me
With that, I walked into the exam hall
I came out victorious
For your prayers kept me striving till the end

If I were to go on with my recount
I shan't be surprised to see eyes closed in boredom
Or snores of slumber
Beneath this roll of paper
Burst forth more stories and happy times as well as
the not-so-happy times
For all that you've done for me
For the time and attention you invested in me
The unconditional love, the sacrifice,
The pink muffins and the mutton curries
The encouragement and the words of wisdom
Will forever make itself a home in my little
street called “Jalan Kenangan”


HAPPY 50TH ANNIVERSARY
TATA AND AMACHI
:-)

Outcast

I wish that I didn't always have to feel left out all the time. That I could be part of the fun and thrills, I wish that people whom I thought I was close to (turns out that they're not) will also include me in their lives.

I feel like a passer-by.
Nothing.
Worthless.
Like a piece of tissue to blow your nose and then throw it away once you're done blowing your nose.
Its disgusting.
Its repulsive.

Am I of value to others?
I thought that I was welcomed, looks like I'm not.
I thought I was accepted, looks like I was wrong.
I thought I was finally fitting in, but looks like I'm the wrong puzzle.


Is there something wrong with me?
Am I such a turn-off?

...............................

Silent bursts of Love

Its such a struggle at times not to think about the long wait that awaits us...

Sometimes I wish I could time travel into the future to see if we made it. If what we hoped for and believed in actually happened...

There are times when my emotions take over and I just sit down and cry because I feel like I'm trapped in a box. A teeny-weeny box of anxiety...

At times when I look at you and remember the times we shared our dreams and goals, I can't help to think what a great tool you're gonna be, how God is gonna use you so mightily that you have to sit down and tell yourself that His favour is upon you...

I remember the times we shared our problems, our deepest struggles and sometimes I can't believe that we have such confidence in each other. That we are not afraid to trust each other with our secrets, knowing that one will not betray the other...

Sometimes I think about all the wonderful things we could do together in the future. The amount of book fairs, picnics, historical places, eating escapades, book stores, art galleries, LYPGs (Local Youth Prayer Gathering), nerding around and youth events that we could go to. And that we can serve the Lord together...

Then there are times I anticipate and dread the miles that will eventually separate us, when we are literally halfway across the world. Will we remain strong?


Deep down, if there's one powerful thing we share, it would be the One above working in our lives, changing us from glory to glory, thus strengthening the ropes of our friendship. Though we desire something more, you and I know what's best at the present time...


Trust in Him, wait and pray, my dear friend cause one day, we're gonna look back at all this and tell ourselves (and each other) that it was worth the wait. That indeed the Lord has blessed us...