She Walks in Beauty

I am currently learning this poem on my own:

She walks in Beauty

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.


And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

George Gordon Byron, Lord Byron. 1788–1824


Such beautiful language!

What I found in Jalan Kenangan...

Its funny how time can change a person's looks.
Just watch and see...

This is me at age 12, year 2004 I think, with Valerie. Truth is, I'm still keeping that indian costume for remembrance. No wonder I had self-image problems back then!

age 15. The big nerd showing off her PMR cert. Haha, look so "rounded"

Current picture, taken yesterday at Palace of the Golden Horses. Will be turning 18 in May. Honestly, I don't see much difference.

I'm not the type that posts pictures of myself on the net (or anywhere else for that matter!), but this was one post that I had to post. It was a trip down "Jalan Kenangan" and to always remind myself and everybody else that you will eventually grow into the person you want to be. All it needs its just TIME.

I'm so glad that I don't look the same way I did back then!

:-)

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala...

YAY! I'm starting college in April.
Finally.

But I still can't drive.

And I still don't know when my SPM results are coming out.

:-/

Miss watermelon and turtle and my fellow flamingo penguin :-P

"God only knows what I'd be without you..." - The Beach Boys.
Yay, thanks to Josiah, I have Pet Sounds and Endless Summer now! Yipppeee.....

"So what good would living do me?"
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.


"Help me Rhonda, help help me Rhonda..."

Dear Jane

Dear Jane,

I feel new. I feel alive. The Lord has finally blessed me so much, so abundantly and I can finally receive His blessings without thinking that I'm unworthy or condemned. Yesterday I chose to see things differently. The past week has been a painful week for me, I'm sure you know. I've been praying to see things in a new light , but nothing. Finally the breakthrough came last night.

I now know what it means to wait on the Lord. During your time of adversity, you sit and wait and battle within yourself, "How long is this going to take?". Its such a slow and tedious process, so much so that you just want to give up. Then after a period of pruning and "cucuk-ing" while you continue to rely on His Word and pray fervently, the Lord jumps in, fights the battle for you, wins and then you are set free. I have come to realise that its the waiting part that shapes you up, not so much the rescuing.

God came through for me. My battle of low self esteem, always thinking that I don't deserve good things (like LOVE), and feeling left out has been fought, the battle of bashing myself up so badly, and self-righteousness. That is why the Lifehouse "Everything" skit is so important to me. You have to call on Him, do your utmost best to reach out to Him during your pain, because when He rescues you, its heroic. Seriously.

Moreover, about the independence issue, my parents said that I'm not ready. You know what? OK la. I'll give them time to adjust and slowly release me and give them time to see that I am matured, capable, responsible and a reliable girl. I will enjoy the bumpy road to liberty because I'm fully aware that it won't be a nice one.

Thank God for a good friend who has had the patience to bear with me, through ups and downs and took time to listen and advise me. You're such a great person, and I highly respect you and am so much inspired by you. Thank you for being there, it made me feel better. Just learn to take a compliment, ok? :-)

Today, the Lord remembered me. The same way He remembered Leah and Hannah all those years ago, He also remembered me and my cries.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

taken from "Dear Jane and Other Stories" by Carissa Morais

23/2/2010, 8pm

Access Denied

The Lord will remember me.
He will remember my plea.
The same way He remembered Hannah and Leah, He will also remember me.
I'll just have to wait.
And wait.
And wait.

So I spoke to my parents about it. They said no.
I'm not responsible enough for independence.
OK.
So I'll just accept the fact that I'm missing out on all the fun, fellowship and that I'm really left out.
Well, since this issue is beyond my control, I'll just work on the things I can control.
Which is the way I'll respond to whats happening.

I will not show emotion. I cannot show emotion.
I must be strong. And endure and wait.
I must believe that the Lord will remember me and grant me what I'm hoping for.
I will take this as training.
I will CHOOSE to see things from a different perspective.


No (wo)man is an island.
YEAH RIGHT!


Gosh, I don't want to turn 18. I'm too immature for that age.

Out of Forgiveness

Clouded perspective, I'm trying to change it.
My wounded heart, I'm just waiting on the Lord to bring the pieces back to together.
Will not fall into the pit of self-pity, but will count my blessings.

Will try my best not to show emotion.
Self-control.
Feeler, will do my utmost best not to let my emotions rule.

Trying to smile, but underneath it hurts.
Want to fly, but my wings are tied down to the nest.
Lonely, does anybody care?

"To be known is to be loved,
to be loved is to be known"

Hold on, wait on Him.
Everything will be OK.
My sighing is not hidden from You, O Lord.


Hold me close, I don't want to let You go.
Where would I be without You, Lord?
Who am I?

A prayer to God

Dear God,

I don't know how I feel right now. Please comfort me as I cry in silence. My heart wails deeply, I need to trust in You. Lord, help me realise that time is a good trainer. Help me to give myself space to grow into the person I want to be, the permission to fail and a pat on my back when I succeed.

Most importantly, Lord, help me to forgive myself. Help me not to set unrealistic expectations on myself and I acknowledge that I'm a sinner. Dear God, help me to see You as a merciful father, that I don't have to bash myself up so bad whenever I mess up. The same way that You have forgiven me, help me to also forgive myself.

O God, speak to my parents' hearts and let then grant me independence. I realise Lord, that "with great power comes great responsibility". So show me the things I can do to gain my parents' approval. I ask, O God, that You'll grant me wisdom to approach this subject to my parents.

Dear God, minister to my broken heart and comfort me. Help me internalize Your word and not my thoughts. Open my mind, that I will change my perspective, to be more positive and cheerful.

Lastly, O Lord, help me to be thankful and to count my blessings. Grant me the maturity to receive and acknowledge Your blessings. For whatever happens, I choose to praise You. You are Sovereign.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord had taken away;

Blessed be the name of the Lord"

- Job 1:21

AMEN.

:-)

....then the rose

I will learn to:

• Wait on the Lord although it hurts
• Give myself room to grow into the person I want to be
• Give myself the permission to fail and a pat on my back when I succeed
• Forgive myself.
• Recognize God's Sovereignity and learn to view Him as a merciful Father. Psalm 103
• Accept the fact that it will take time to feel accepted in church although its been one and a half years
• Be a better friend to people
• Enjoy my own company
• Not to be too hard on myself
• Internalize God's word and not my own thoughts.
• Love who I was made to be.
• Silent humility
• Find my self-worth in God's word
• Earn independence. "With great power comes great responsibility" - Spiderman.
• Be positive
• Change my perspective about things
• Trust in the Lord
• SMILE

The Street named “Jalan Kenangan”
by Carissa Morais

There is a street somewhere in town
Not many of us have walked passed it
Or have seen its sun-kissed greenery
Or the colourful candy stripes splashed around the city
And the photographs that cover the walls
If you close your eyes
You might be able to see an old, run-down signboard
“Jalan Kenangan”
As vividly as I can
But if you can't
I shall tell of my discoveries and adventures
Of this magical place that I saw

16 years ago,
I was a child of two years old,
Crying uncontrollably as you poured
Water and baby bath on me
Wailing my heart out
As you gave me a fresh bath
Placing my tiny body delicately on your legs
Enduring my ear-shattering screams
Scrubbing me in silence

12 years ago,
Giant Supermarket was our frequent destination
Oh what a joy it was for me
When you happily declared that I could have
Anything I desired, whatever I wanted
From the pink teddy bear to the packet of
chocolate treats sitting lonely at the last rack
Walking hand-in-hand with me
As you led me through the green and yellow doors

10 years ago,
The fat kid that I was becoming
Spare tyres and fat bulges bursting out of my T-shirt
Troubled you in a way
Because you withheld my favourite sugary goodies away from me
But you still granted me a candy bar
Just to see a smile on my face and a tear vanish
The foolish kid that I was
Ate it up greedily
Not even offering you a bite

6 years ago,
When my eyes kept squinting to see the images around me
Not hesitating, you took me to the hospital
Getting up early in the morning for my appointments
Because of that, I now see things clearly
My first pair of glasses was your labour
of concern and love
So that I could be comfortable and
Enjoy the clarity around me that I almost missed out

3 years ago,
We had fun in the kitchen
Just you and me and a ball of dough
Trying to roll out the perfect capati
The way you did so skillfully
After a few blunders and mess-ups
I finally got it right
Then came the frying pan
Oh what a nightmare!
Still you let me make mistakes
Because you knew that I'd learn my lesson

1 year ago,
Was an important year for me
The finale of a long and exciting chapter in my life
Amidst the preparations for the exam
And the pressure weighing on my shoulders to succeed
You still called me on the phone and
encouraged me, giving me your blessings
and having confidence in me
With that, I walked into the exam hall
I came out victorious
For your prayers kept me striving till the end

If I were to go on with my recount
I shan't be surprised to see eyes closed in boredom
Or snores of slumber
Beneath this roll of paper
Burst forth more stories and happy times as well as
the not-so-happy times
For all that you've done for me
For the time and attention you invested in me
The unconditional love, the sacrifice,
The pink muffins and the mutton curries
The encouragement and the words of wisdom
Will forever make itself a home in my little
street called “Jalan Kenangan”


HAPPY 50TH ANNIVERSARY
TATA AND AMACHI
:-)

Outcast

I wish that I didn't always have to feel left out all the time. That I could be part of the fun and thrills, I wish that people whom I thought I was close to (turns out that they're not) will also include me in their lives.

I feel like a passer-by.
Nothing.
Worthless.
Like a piece of tissue to blow your nose and then throw it away once you're done blowing your nose.
Its disgusting.
Its repulsive.

Am I of value to others?
I thought that I was welcomed, looks like I'm not.
I thought I was accepted, looks like I was wrong.
I thought I was finally fitting in, but looks like I'm the wrong puzzle.


Is there something wrong with me?
Am I such a turn-off?

...............................

Silent bursts of Love

Its such a struggle at times not to think about the long wait that awaits us...

Sometimes I wish I could time travel into the future to see if we made it. If what we hoped for and believed in actually happened...

There are times when my emotions take over and I just sit down and cry because I feel like I'm trapped in a box. A teeny-weeny box of anxiety...

At times when I look at you and remember the times we shared our dreams and goals, I can't help to think what a great tool you're gonna be, how God is gonna use you so mightily that you have to sit down and tell yourself that His favour is upon you...

I remember the times we shared our problems, our deepest struggles and sometimes I can't believe that we have such confidence in each other. That we are not afraid to trust each other with our secrets, knowing that one will not betray the other...

Sometimes I think about all the wonderful things we could do together in the future. The amount of book fairs, picnics, historical places, eating escapades, book stores, art galleries, LYPGs (Local Youth Prayer Gathering), nerding around and youth events that we could go to. And that we can serve the Lord together...

Then there are times I anticipate and dread the miles that will eventually separate us, when we are literally halfway across the world. Will we remain strong?


Deep down, if there's one powerful thing we share, it would be the One above working in our lives, changing us from glory to glory, thus strengthening the ropes of our friendship. Though we desire something more, you and I know what's best at the present time...


Trust in Him, wait and pray, my dear friend cause one day, we're gonna look back at all this and tell ourselves (and each other) that it was worth the wait. That indeed the Lord has blessed us...

This or that?

Too busy reading to update. These are the two books that have been keeping my attention away from the computer screen:
The story of Catherine of Aragon, the queen who was pushed off her throne by Anne Boleyn. Married to the notorious Henry VIII's older brother, Arthur (the next heir of the Tudor Dynasty) and later widowed, took control of her life by telling the most audacious lie in English history
"I am Catalina, Princess of Spain, daughter of the two greatest monarchs the world has ever known... and I will be Queen of England".



One of the saddest stories I've read. All because of an event in her life that robbed her the innocence of youth. Despite her suffering and weakness in the face of her suffering, she demonstrated a long-suffering patience and endurance
"You are very good. But it strikes me that there is a want of harmony between your present mood of self-sacrifice and your past mood of self-preservation."

Little Miss Chatterbox

I talk.

A LOT.

Only once you get to know me.

Or not, I'm zipped tight.

Heeeeee.....

=D

note: photo stolen from Steph's blog ;-)

My Hopeful Reading list

If I had a voucher, a book voucher to be exact, that was limitless, FREE and "all-you-can-buy" books, these are the books I would get. I wish I could have them now.

1. "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom
2. "The Other Boleyn Girl" by Philippa Gregory
3. "The Book of Tomorrow" by Cecelia Ahern
4. "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu
5. "Lady Susan, The Watsons, Sandition" by Jane Austen
6. "Marshmallows for Breakfast" by Dorothy Koomson
7. "The Boleyn Inheritance" by Philippa Gregory
8. "A Respectable Trade" by Philippa Gregory
9. "At First Sight" by Nicholas Sparks
10. "Not Even a Hint: Guarding Your Heart Against Lust" by Joshua Harris
11. "Keep A Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot

And so many more...

Three howls from the wolf

There's one phrase that everybody else in this world has a right to say it, but looks like I don't:

We grew up together

For the life of me, I can't think of anybody who has been long-time close friends with me for more than 12 years. I've not actually had a best friend, just people who I thought were but were not. When I think of it, I feel so pathetic. I don't know why.
People walk in and out of my life. No one actually stayed.
I used to think to myself, "What's wrong with me?"
Then I realised that these things can't be control. Its just life and its fresh glass of lemonade.
All through my senior year in secondary school, I always asked myself, "Does anyone care?"


Well, I guess thats how things are. I'll just accept it and see it as a good opportunity to meet people and let them have a peek into my life and hope that something good comes out of it.


Once a lone ranger, always a lone ranger.


CHEERS! *smiles and raises wine glass in the air*